Letter to

Hi Sital,

I’m writing to keep you posted with where I am mentally and physically. I’m sorry in advance that this will be written like I speak but when I try to make it sound professional, I can’t focus.

Please don’t take this letter as dissatisfaction with your services. I’m just afraid that you are too far at the end of my problems to catch up in time.

All of what I’m about to tell you should be in my file somewhere, but from my perspective that file would have to be thicker than Les Miserables. And you shouldn’t have to wade through that. I feel like you need specific details, though. Hence the book reference.

I have these spells. Sometimes they start with a flashing in the left hand side of my left eye. It affects the vision in both of my eyes. These flashing episodes were diagnosed as Ocular Migraines a long time ago. I didn’t start getting headaches with them until a few years ago, however my headaches have never been chronic. I noticed in MyChart that I’d been diagnosed with chronic headaches. That would be an incorrect diagnosis. The only time I thought I was experiencing a chronic headache phase was when I had shingles on my head, they were hiding under my hair. I do occasionally get shingles, too. That sucks but not as bad as the rest of this.

Anyway, these spells range in intensity from a simple 30 minute period of the flashing sensation to losing consciousness. Many times I have been brought to my knees because there is a sensation that handles are coming out of the back of my eyes and someone is twisting them, towards each other. It hurts really bad. Other times it stops at this crazy feeling that I’m in a tunnel and there is a train going by – that’s what I hear. That quick hummm pop hummm pop that you hear as the cars flash by. This lasts for about 15 minutes. The flashing lasts about 30 minutes.

The bad ones end the same day, but it takes several days for my clarity to return.

I also experience other types of dizziness. A dizziness that makes me think ‘inner ear’ problems. Dr. Blackstone and Dr. Ellis didn’t agree. I’m not sure what the file says on that.

Oh! Sometimes when I think that a spell might be coming on, I eat. Because it makes it stop. Probably not the smartest thing but I’m afraid I’m having a stroke. Of course by the time it gets that bad I can’t dial 911. And I don’t want to call 911 if it’s not going to happen. It’s horribly embarrassing when you think you are having an episode of some sort and it turns out that you are the one freak on the planet who can’t actually purchase health care. I’m sorry – I just feel like Dr. Ellis was going to six week me to death.

Speaking of stroke, I feel certain I’ve suffered some type of damage from that or something heart related. I could be imagining it, who knows. But sharing this info will hopefully help you help me. 🙂

Ooooohhh – spell, left eye always left eye, hard more hard to type. Going to get some food brb.

Ok I’m back, mild confusion, spell is ebbing. Light train passing in the tunnel sound. Sweating face and scalp. Moisture coated but not dripping off of my jowl after running all the way from my hair line which it often is. Embarassing. Starving but full. I just ate pringles and peanut butter. JIF creamy. Abt 10 chips and 2 Tbsp pnt butter. Arms are weak. Having to rest between typing. And I’ve opened a can of Coke Zero. About two hours ago I had two eggs with onion, red bell pepper, and feta cheese in a flour tortilla shell with OPA Jalopeno Ranch. (note about 30 minutes later, I’m leaving the confusion and bad typing in this letter to hopefully help isolate what might be causing this.

I’m exhausted, I’ll be back.

That is my biggest health fear, the episodes. I’ve been tracking my blood sugar, my pulse, and my blood sugar before these episodes get so bad that I’m unable to take it. Just because I’m shaking so much. Tuesday morning I was shaking so bad that I couldn’t pick up my food with the fork. Then the few times I could get the food on the fork, I couldn’t get it in my mouth. I was starving so I kept trying until it passed. I can get you that information if it will help.

To supplement the appointments I have with you, I’ve also been looking for answers. One search led me to a group called Dr.’s Nutrition. I am getting all of that info to your office with this letter. I’m out of toner though and am gathering change to use the printer at the library. Because I can’t work.

His diagnosis is that I have gut problems. And a UTI infection. Cortisol and A1c and Thyroid. Oh and damaged adrenal glands. He said that even though my Thyroid numbers are in the normal range, that normal for the shape that I’m in requires it to be a little lower. The appointment with him lasted an hour, so I’m not going to type all of it.

HOWEVER, I like you, I trust you, and I feel like you just want people to get well. And I just want to get well.

Sometimes I have word salad, but I’m cognizant of it. I am usually not having any episode when that happens.

I did have contact with a seasoned OBGYN nurse who thinks I need to be on at least 2mg of estrogen. I did increase it and slept all night long the first night. It’s been years since I’ve slept all night.

But Dr. Lewis, the Dr’s Nutrition doctor, is concerned about estrogen with sugar numbers so high. I’ve got a request in to your office for increase. You’ll probably hear about that before I get this to you.

While my emotions have improved drastically since going back on Zoloft, the effects of shitty things happening over and over to me aren’t going away. My anger and frustration is fueled and fed up. I feel like I’m begging for help and I’ve been blackballed by Dr. Ellis. I can’t understand why. I don’t think I ever got behind on a bill. She seems like a nice person. I think I’ve always been nice to her. She tried to give me a pap smear two years in a row, because she said she could. Both times she couldn’t do it. She tried. She never said what the problem was. And she looked at me like I was an alien. I was worried about what was so wrong with my vagina that it would scare a doctor off. Ended up being the football sized fibroid tumor. Maybe my vagina is normal. My husband likes it.

Back to the spells. I had one a little over a year ago. (I think, I’ll get a picture of my broken foot to you – there should be a date on that). Anyway, long story short my neck and head got jammed into my torso, and I danced with a heavy kitchen chair. Not sure exactly what happened. Extremely bad episode. All I know is that when I came to, all I could remember was hurting my foot and being tangled in the chair and thinking that is going to hurt. I couldn’t get my body away from it. I made it to the sofa but didn’t make contact before I blacked out. When I woke up the pain in my neck area was horrible. I’m feeling it now and was going to rest again but I’m committed. Finally I at least am able to communicate well enough to get this out right now so I’m going to keep going.

Shortly after I had my first and only colonoscopy, my bowel movement shape changed. I suffered bloating and my stomach would swell up. HUGE! I mean huge and tight! And red hot! And the craziest turd shapes. Sometimes smaller than my pinky. Sometimes it would come out gooey but round with a straight edge! That was the worst. This went on for a while. I went to the doctor because you should go to the doctor when that happens according to the internet. They prescribed 20mg of Prilosec. (I didn’t want to see Ellis bc I didn’t think she could help. Because she can’t help with any of my health problems). The doctor I did see, though was pissed at me and went running into another room where Dr. Ellis was waiting. I guess to discuss my imaginary illnesses.

The reason I bring that up, is that idk if that’s related to a UTI. As far as I know, I’ve never had one. But now I wonder if I have had one for a long time. I remember when it started, I was in school FT and working FT and I just started not being able to put the pieces together. Idk. The turd size went back to normal after I increased my estrogen to 2mg a day. Yay for that. I’m as regular as can be now. The sleeping didn’t last though. I’m back to pacing every few hours. I wake, pee, drink water, pace. Then I sleep again. Last night I slept from 11 to 12:30, then from sometime after 2 to sometime after 4. (sometimes I eat, I used to think I was waking due to hunger, but now I think it may be thirst – again Idk.)

Anyway, back to my foot. So it’s taken a year for it to start feeling better and the other night, I slammed the same foot into an old wooden speaker. Aaaaaagggghhhhh. I’m limping. Friday night is when that happened.

I feel like you are going to say stay off of it and it will heal. I’m trying to do that.

Seems like there are other things I need to run by you. I’ll utilize the MyChart app for anything else.

Thank you for your time. I hope this helps you understand my angst a little more. I know that my husband agreed with you that my behavior seemed to be bipolar ish related. He has no idea what he’s talking about. I’ve asked him for help for years and he’s never said anything about bipolar. He would agree with you if you told him I had a dick growing out of my back. He’s just getting to where he doesn’t drive off in fear of this nutty version of me. It used to hurt my feelings when he would run off when I talked about suicide. I thought, is he leaving so he doesn’t have to see it? Grrrr. But gah I love him. My depression and anxiety I believe are medical and situational. Not mental.

Thanks again and I’ll see you in September. Dr. Lewis at Dr.’s Nutrition has given me a protocol for healing. I’ll get his recommendations to you. What he is recommending though is almost $500 to start. So I won’t be starting immediately. Please help me fix this. I’m not looking for attention or medication beyond what would be required to remedy all of this. Oh, and Dr. Desai prescribed Remeron 15mg to help me sleep and to take the place of the Abilify. Remeron did not help me sleep at all. It laughed at my insomnia.