Dream from night before last : Interview with the next mass shooter.

I was in the woods. Not crazy deep in the woods. But out. There was an old house with a porch. Maintained but not decorated beyond any seemingly casual random placement of usable items for efficiency. A single rocking chair, long ago separated from previous paint applications. What remained was a Robin egg blue maybe. It would have screamed shabby chic in a different environment. There was an older man. Maybe 65 ish. Equally worn but efforts at maintenance we’re visible. Trimmed beard. Gray hair. Kind of that yellow gray. He wanted to talk to me. Because I would listen. I would absorb his story. Try my best to understand what he wanted people, someone to hear so badly. Not necessarily care, but just to understand when it was over with. He was telling me that he would be the next mass murderer. He held a gun, I don’t know anything about guns so I won’t guess what it was. He wanted someone to understand, as much as someone could understand. He was not comfortable in the rocking chair. He kept moving back to the porch railing. Like there was comfort in the open air. Not being trapped by the bars on the rocker. A place that was probably once a favorite place to enjoy his morning or afternoons. Or conversations with friends. His story was heart breaking. I don’t remember the story. I remember weeping as he told it. The memory makes me cry now. My head hurts.

It’s been months and months since I originally told people in the mental health community that I was considering, lightly, offing some people. The idea of random victims though… Terribly unsatisfying. Collecting a group of those worthy of your efforts. Those who could look into your eyes in the very instant of their end, and experience their own ‘aha’ moment seems to be the ultimate goal. Logistically impossible. And a gun, no thanks. Why does a sword seem like a pleasant way to pull the life out of someone? Not the instant you insert it. But the instant you slide it out. Slowly. Then it is done. Don’t worry, I can barely walk to the bathroom. I won’t be killing anybody today.